she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
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So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
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thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.