i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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