I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
