Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
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she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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