Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
