I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
