My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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