My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
