i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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