This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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