3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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