i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
