Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we're making bets on your personal life
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
