Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
