hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
All the doctor said was why
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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