I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
