I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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