listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
