I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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