Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
