I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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