I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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