She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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