he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
