So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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