Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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