I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
