I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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