You're my little dorito
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
