I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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