Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
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Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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