Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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