I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
