i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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