I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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