Im at strip club and am horny
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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