How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
