My hand turned me down
Its about making memories worth repressing
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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