She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i wish my penis had a tongue
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
