On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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