My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
