you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
