he puts the penis in happiness.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Did I show you my penis last night?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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