I got chris browned last night
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
