If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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