its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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