I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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