Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
