i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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