Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i think my tv is drunk
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Alive.
So much puke
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
