She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
