I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize