Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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