We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We had sex on a dog bed..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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