So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
