I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
