I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's no shave November. This is our time.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
