I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
