She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
