Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
