I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
