Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
